Sometimes I wish you were able to obtain some sort of happiness. But that’s not up to me. I think sometimes it’s the guilt talking. For all the times I lied and hurt you.

Apart of me that still can’t bare to let you go… And I’m slowly accepting that. That no matter where I go in my life or whoever else I may allow in my heart, I will still have the memories there. I feel that sometimes I may even repress the memories because I don’t want to feel the pain or sadness. There is a failure or disappointment type of feeling associated with it…

My world— it’s constantly moving. I can’t even take sometime off to breathe. I feel like when I try to, I feel more behind in whatever I was doing. I just wish I could hi the pause button and just take it all in. Living in the now.. And learning to juggle it all.. I just want to succeed.

Alone— that’s what I feel sometimes..

Spent sometime with my family this weekend. More Tet celebrations. Went up to Kim Son Temple. Much more people there this weekend.

Worked all day on Friday. I decided to rock my strip socks for fun.

Busy day. Got to relax. Back onto my diet and workout plan. Its once again winter. Which means hibernation till the summer. Hopefully I’ll be able to lose some weight… ok time to sleep!

Lots have been happening. So this weekend was ‘TET’ preparation. Along with cleaning the house and buying groceries, my new baby cousin was born.

Welcome to the family Alanna! Born at 5am on Saturday.

Sunday was filled with fun. Went to an indoor water park for my 2 little cousins birthday party. Small but fun place. My day got even better due to the Patriots winning. Watched the 49ers game when I got home. I wanted then to win but I put money on the Giants. Would’ve been cool to see them at the SuperBowl.

And finally, Monday. Happy New Years! Chuc Mung Nam Moi! Year of the dragon!! Sprained my foot on Friday from running. So I started the new year on crutches. can’t wait till this all heals so I can walk. Went to pay our respect to my grandparents. Since its a Monday, most of my family was working. Our family gathering party is on the coming Saturday.

Anyways, lots of events. Including work, school and NA. Time sure flies by so quick. My mind is still stuck in November. Can’t believe February is here already… Smh

Happy New Years!

Yes. A day to rest and enjoy. Went to Ikea and bought some candles.

It’s getting a bit colder.. I hear there’s finally snow fall. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

School has started back. Every quarter I fight myself to do my best in school, but only to be shot down or overcome by my laziness.

I’m at a place in my life where I have a door opening up. I am slowly taking the opportunity at hand. It isn’t a for sure thing, but I still need to try and do the work. To be exact: A new job opportunity has opened up for me. It’s along what I want to do in my future. My mind is running on fear. Fear of failure; not getting the job. Fear of not being capable enough.

This happens every time I try or do something new. All I can do is keep positive and stay focus on what I want.

There was something different about this Christmas, compared to past Christmas(s).

Maybe because I’m older or I’m more aware, but presents or gifts don’t matter as much to me anymore. I just love spending quality time with my family.

My grandparents are at the final stages of their life and this is a time to just cherish and really get to know them.

I do my best to put my family first before anything. They have given me all I have an more.

This years Christmas celebration was very calm and relaxing. We did the gifts for the tiny kids. But this was more of a family gathering.

During the holidays, this is what it’s all about. This is where my home is.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Be safe and enjoy! Cheers!

Wow. So I spent the entire night cleaning my room.. And now my room is spotless (kinda). I am going to try my best to keep it clean.

So break has started. I haven’t really done much; due to work. Holiday hours really out a restraint on my schedule. I feel so alone lately… Not the lonely kind but the one where I wish someone understood or really listened to me. I have so much on my shoulders… I just want someone to tell me things are going to be alright and to keep my head up.

Some black guys tried to rob my house while I was in it (typical). Sigh. That was racist, but factual. Anyways, I want to stay honest. — it scared the shit out of me. I’m afraid of my well being now. There are a few solutions but I really I want to hurt anyone. Sigh. I hate these type of scenarios.

I need a stronger foundation of friends. There isn’t really anyone I can trust or tell things to. It’s a blurry road. But I fully understand that I’ll be okay.

Work. Work is both stressful and not. Bottom line— I don’t get paid enough to do the shit I do. I actually know that I’m worth it today and that I deserve better and can do better. Currently working on applying for a new job.

I hate change but I’m more willing to let it in and feel ok around it. Sigh. Heavy heart.

Ryan

This is very true. We or I should say I; I tend to get so caught up in my life and work that I forget about everything else that’s happening around me. AND the worst part is that it’s so easy to get caught up in your work and forget about everything else.

On my off days I always freak out about what to do. And this quote couldn’t have had come at any better time. I haven’t gotten away from San Jose in a while… Sometimes you need to go somewhere else; another city, town, state, place. Take in some ocean air. Let it all go and enjoy how beautiful life is. Life is suppose to be fun also… In this economy, it’s easy to lose sight of the beautiful things..

Maybe Disneyland or Reno. I think as long as its with family and love ones, it’ll be good. Always cherish those who love you unconditionally.

Ryan
Happy Holidays everyone.

This is my December.

Lately, there has been this gloominess over me. A dark cloud that I’ve gotten used to. I’m happy but apart of me is dying. I’m not sure what it is… Apart of me wishes I was dead. Apart of me doesn’t see the purpose of fighting. Sometimes I’ll think back at it; if I didn’t have my family here, I wouldn’t want to be alive. I wouldn’t have any other reason to be alive.

Fuck I’m getting depressed again. I need to seek help. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like such a disappointment. Ahhhhhhh I want to run away from all this. But i can’t. This is my life and this is how it is…

Help me; I wish someone shoots me or hits me.