Merry Christmas

There was something different about this Christmas, compared to past Christmas(s).

Maybe because I’m older or I’m more aware, but presents or gifts don’t matter as much to me anymore. I just love spending quality time with my family.

My grandparents are at the final stages of their life and this is a time to just cherish and really get to know them.

I do my best to put my family first before anything. They have given me all I have an more.

This years Christmas celebration was very calm and relaxing. We did the gifts for the tiny kids. But this was more of a family gathering.

During the holidays, this is what it’s all about. This is where my home is.

Merry Christmas to everyone. Be safe and enjoy! Cheers!

Clean up

Wow. So I spent the entire night cleaning my room.. And now my room is spotless (kinda). I am going to try my best to keep it clean.

So break has started. I haven’t really done much; due to work. Holiday hours really out a restraint on my schedule. I feel so alone lately… Not the lonely kind but the one where I wish someone understood or really listened to me. I have so much on my shoulders… I just want someone to tell me things are going to be alright and to keep my head up.

Some black guys tried to rob my house while I was in it (typical). Sigh. That was racist, but factual. Anyways, I want to stay honest. — it scared the shit out of me. I’m afraid of my well being now. There are a few solutions but I really I want to hurt anyone. Sigh. I hate these type of scenarios.

I need a stronger foundation of friends. There isn’t really anyone I can trust or tell things to. It’s a blurry road. But I fully understand that I’ll be okay.

Work. Work is both stressful and not. Bottom line— I don’t get paid enough to do the shit I do. I actually know that I’m worth it today and that I deserve better and can do better. Currently working on applying for a new job.

I hate change but I’m more willing to let it in and feel ok around it. Sigh. Heavy heart.

Ryan

Beautiful Things.

You shouldn’t let life take ahold of you in ways which you forget to see and experience all the beautiful things out there.

This is very true. We or I should say I; I tend to get so caught up in my life and work that I forget about everything else that’s happening around me. AND the worst part is that it’s so easy to get caught up in your work and forget about everything else.

On my off days I always freak out about what to do. And this quote couldn’t have had come at any better time. I haven’t gotten away from San Jose in a while… Sometimes you need to go somewhere else; another city, town, state, place. Take in some ocean air. Let it all go and enjoy how beautiful life is. Life is suppose to be fun also… In this economy, it’s easy to lose sight of the beautiful things..

Maybe Disneyland or Reno. I think as long as its with family and love ones, it’ll be good. Always cherish those who love you unconditionally.

Ryan
Happy Holidays everyone.

December

I just wish i didn’t have to feel that there was something I’m missing. I take back all the things that I said to make you feel like that. I’d give it all away just to have someone to go too.

This is my December.

Lately, there has been this gloominess over me. A dark cloud that I’ve gotten used to. I’m happy but apart of me is dying. I’m not sure what it is… Apart of me wishes I was dead. Apart of me doesn’t see the purpose of fighting. Sometimes I’ll think back at it; if I didn’t have my family here, I wouldn’t want to be alive. I wouldn’t have any other reason to be alive.

Fuck I’m getting depressed again. I need to seek help. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like such a disappointment. Ahhhhhhh I want to run away from all this. But i can’t. This is my life and this is how it is…

Help me; I wish someone shoots me or hits me.

Ain’t nothing like big 10 game

Watching the game

Had a crazy night. Ended up watching the big 10 game with Rob. Then the sharks. (I had tickets but ended up not going cause no one was available) sigh

Ended the night with the boys. Tits and dollar bills. good time.

Only regrets

She was the most important person in my life at some point; once in my life time… The shit that I did; I still can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you.

I didn’t want to get hurt. But I didn’t know that it made everything worst…That wasn’t me. Give me another chance to love you and show you the light.

Damn. I’m going to be honest. I still think about her. I may have let her go but there’s no a single day she doesn’t come across in my mind. It may not be as significant as it was in the past..but nonetheless she’s still there. I guess I just want her to be happy. With me or without me.

Today I closed my case With my therapist. Time sure flies. I have said this many times before; but I have grown so much. I’ve been through so much. Fought so many battles with myself. Damn. There’s a sad feeling inside me; not because I had to close my case. But rather, I am sad that I had to leave a friend. Someone that helped me become who I am today. I would’ve died; but he was apart of my rescue team. Thank You so much. You have no idea how much it means to me. I love you.

Life is life lately. It’s harsh and unforgiving sometimes. I’m content/happy but I’m still finding myself, but I know what I want which helps a lot more. I’m trying to be more of myself. Doing my best not to worry about what others say. No matter what, i’m going to stand here and hold my ground.

Life is worth living today. There was a point in my life that I really wanted to die but no matter what I did, someone would save me.

Let go and let God take care of it. As long as you’re doing the next best, right, and honest thing— only positive results are to be your outcome.

Ryan